Does God Want Me To Be Married?

Many singles deal with loneliness.  It seems as if there is an emptiness in their lives, a hole that needs to be filled.  They feel that their life is not yet begun, as if there is something that needs to be done to give them fulfillment in their lives.  And there are many Christian singles that deal with sexual temptation, almost continually.  They know that God doesn’t want them to live like this, with this emptiness and loneliness.  So they look for a solution.  And since they, and most of the world, see them as “singles”, they feel that they need to be married. 

There are also many men and women who feel for each other, but they don’t know if they should commit to each other for the rest of their lives.  It is a difficult decision, and they want to know what the Lord wants of them.  Is this the right one for me?  Does the Lord have any guidance for us?

Should I get married?

The good news is this: marriage is a decision left up to the individual.  While there are guidelines in Scripture (we will talk about this below), the decision to be married or not is left up to the individual.  God does not have any command to marry or not to marry. (Matthew 19:10-12; I Corinthians 7:8-9, 28; 9:5)  Everyone is free to marry or not marry if they please.

However, Jesus and the apostles are most concerned about our focus on the Lord.  Both Jesus and Paul made it clear that our primary focus should be on the Lord, not on marriage.  Sometimes, marriage is a way to help us focus on the Lord—especially if both spouses are equally committed to Jesus ruling their lives.  However, if we see marriage as being the way for us to overcome our loneliness or to meet our desires, we will be sorely disappointed.  Our desire should be for the Lord, not a spouse (Psalm 73:25).

Is marriage a solution?

Marriage does change people—but mostly it changes the relationship the partners have with each other.  Both partners in a marriage bring their own problems, their own sinful attitudes and their own wrong thinking.  If someone has a sexual sin before marriage, the marriage does not cause it to disappear overnight.  If someone has emotional problems before marriage, then the emotional problems remain and often become more of a problem in marriage, that then must be dealt with.  Marriage is not a solution to any problem in an individual’s life—if anything, it can cause problems to be worse.

            The only solution to our problems is the Lord.  If we put God, his righteousness and his kingdom as the top priority of our lives, then all else will fall into place.  If getting married can assist us in focusing on God’s kingdom, then marriage is good.  But the Bible warns that most of the time, marriage distracts one from the Lord.  Marriage typically means that on is focused on one’s spouse, not the Lord  (I Corinthians 7:32-34).  Marriage, more often than not, causes more problems than it solves.

The qualifications of a spouse

God does put some qualifications on marriage.  It isn’t just a free-for-all.  As believers in the Lord, we will want to abstain from any kind of sexual immorality.  Sex outside of marriage is a restriction, but homosexual sex is commanded against, whether one is married or not (Leviticus 18:22; Romans 1:27; I Corinthians 6:9-10).  Also, if one is committed to Jesus, then one’s spouse should also be committed to Jesus, and not an unbeliever (II Corinthians 6:14-15).

Am I ready to be married?

Although many people look at spouses and determine who is “fit” in their minds to be married to them, yet the Lord calls upon us to consider others before ourselves, and to think if we ourselves are fit to be a companion to another.  Here are some things we may want to look at:

Do you recognize the drawbacks of marriage?

If you think that marriage is just a state of bliss and will solve your problems, then you are not ready to be married.  The Bible says that marriage will tend to get your focus off of the Lord.  A relationship with someone completely different than yourself is difficult and will require work.  And children almost always are a part of marriage and complicate matters even more.  Marriage is not just an adventure, it’s a job.

Are you already working on your problems?

Everyone has personal issues that separate them from God or from others.  What are you doing to work on yours?  You need to learn to depend on the Lord before you attach your difficulties, desires and dementia to another for the rest of that person’s life.   Have a Christian group or counselor whom you can trust with your personal issues, apart from your spouse.  That doesn’t mean that your spouse can’t help you, but a marriage is usually not the best place to solve one’s personal problems.

Are you ready to work on a relationship?

A lifelong commitment requires faithfulness and work.  Are you prepared to do the extra work on top of what you are doing now in order to keep your relationship with your spouse intact?  If you see relationships that take of themselves, then you are not ready to be married.

Okay, I have a partner—what now?

Wow.  So there’s two of you now and you are thinking about getting married.  You’re both committed to Jesus and you believe that you will be more committed to the Lord as a couple rather than two individuals.  Great.  Now it’s time to get to know each other.  Perhaps you think that you know each other so well, that it is unnecessary to pursue each other more.  But you can’t know your partner well enough before you get married.  I knew my wife for eight years before we got married and was shocked at some of her attitudes after we were committed to each other.  Think of questions to ask each other.  Get a list of questions to ask each other from a pastor or a counselor.  Be a journalist—find out the “real story.”  This isn’t to question the trustworthiness of one’s future spouse.  Rather it is to find out whether the assumptions each of you are bringing into the relationship are the same or different.  Marriage counseling from a pastor will also help.  If you are committed to each other, show it by working for each other before marriage.

Marriage: It’s not just an adventure, it’s a job.