High Volume Meekness

Meekness isn’t exactly in demand today. Nobody wants it. Sure, people will buy books on love, on peace, on joy, on self-discipline—but how many people want Meekness for Dummies? Microsoft Humility? (Whoa, talk about a contradiction in terms!) McLowly? Meekness just doesn’t sell.

And why should it? Meekness doesn’t comfort us, it doesn’t make us more successful, it doesn’t help us make friends or influence people. Let’s face it—the meek in our society are rejects. They are the outcasts, the people who don’t really fit in. Let’s see, who are the professional meek in the U.S.?

• Homeless
• Elderly in nursing homes
• Those living in low income housing
• Poor immigrants
• Mentally ill
• Those who work for minimum wage
• Panhandlers
• Those on Disability or Food Stamps
• Non-English speakers

Not exactly whom you want to be like? Perhaps not the friends and neighbors? Nor your usual upstanding church members? Of course not. These are not the building blocks of society, the ones who can make things change for the better, the righteous, the acceptable. Again, the meek are the rejects. Not just the unimportant, but the unwanted, the unacceptable.

And how do the middle-class church members—the Uptight Upright—treat these folks, the meek and lowly? Sometimes they treat them with pity, feeling sorry for their plight, perhaps seeing how they can help them. That’s typically the best response. If only the best response were the only response. Often the meek are treated as a “problem” that needs to be solved, the solution of which has avoided the minds of all the mighty. The meek usually are ignored by most—best not seen, not dealt with. The apathetic aren’t interested in judging the lowly, but they aren’t interested in doing anything else with them either. But there are many that do wish to judge the lowly.

These judges use the logic of Job’s friends—These meek are in the positions they are in for a reason. Perhaps in these post-modern times we do not want to use the argument of God only offering material blessings to the righteous, but we would use other arguments. “They made terrible errors in their lives, and so they ended up where they are.” “They will have to work hard like we did and then they can get out of that situation.” “This is the land of opportunity—anyone who works hard enough can get ahead.” “They just need to apply themselves.” “Lazy.” “Addicts.” “Trying to take advantage of good people.” These labels are used on the meek, even if they are not known. And if you think you are immune to this, how many times have you ignored a panhandler whom you have never seen before because, you assume, they would use the money you might give them for their addiction? This is judging by stereotype. Would we assume such things of our neighbor who lives on the same suburban street as us?

If we looked at these meek with God’s eyes, we would see that these meek are not the insignificant and hopeless as we might first have imagined. Just the opposite. We need to remember that God does not choose the powerful, the rich, the ones who already have everything in place. God chooses the needy, the insignificant, those for whom everything is falling apart. This means, biblically, when we look at our world around us, we need to see it with new eyes. Next time you see a panhandler, instead of seeing him or her with pity or disgust, think, “This is one of the ones whom God chooses.” Next time you see an elderly woman, living alone, respond, “I wonder if God will give her a son.” Next time you meet a mentally ill person, consider, “I wonder what God is going to do in this person’s life—it must be magnificent!” Next time you hear about the starving in Africa or Asia, instead of being overwhelmed with a mix of compassion and guilt, pray that God would do a work of power there.

Poverty and illness are not dead-end streets—they are opportunities for God to act.

High Volume Meekness

Meekness isn’t exactly in demand today. Nobody wants it. Sure, people will buy books on love, on peace, on joy, on self-discipline—but how many people want Meekness for Dummies? Microsoft Humility? (Whoa, talk about a contradiction in terms!) McLowly? Meekness just doesn’t sell.

And why should it? Meekness doesn’t comfort us, it doesn’t make us more successful, it doesn’t help us make friends or influence people. Let’s face it—the meek in our society are rejects. They are the outcasts, the people who don’t really fit in. Let’s see, who are the professional meek in the U.S.?

• Homeless
• Elderly in nursing homes
• Those living in low income housing
• Poor immigrants
• Mentally ill
• Those who work for minimum wage
• Panhandlers
• Those on Disability or Food Stamps
• Non-English speakers

Not exactly whom you want to be like? Perhaps not the friends and neighbors? Nor your usual upstanding church members? Of course not. These are not the building blocks of society, the ones who can make things change for the better, the righteous, the acceptable. Again, the meek are the rejects. Not just the unimportant, but the unwanted, the unacceptable.

And how do the middle-class church members—the Uptight Upright—treat these folks, the meek and lowly? Sometimes they treat them with pity, feeling sorry for their plight, perhaps seeing how they can help them. That’s typically the best response. If only the best response were the only response. Often the meek are treated as a “problem” that needs to be solved, the solution of which has avoided the minds of all the mighty. The meek usually are ignored by most—best not seen, not dealt with. The apathetic aren’t interested in judging the lowly, but they aren’t interested in doing anything else with them either. But there are many that do wish to judge the lowly.

These judges use the logic of Job’s friends—These meek are in the positions they are in for a reason. Perhaps in these post-modern times we do not want to use the argument of God only offering material blessings to the righteous, but we would use other arguments. “They made terrible errors in their lives, and so they ended up where they are.” “They will have to work hard like we did and then they can get out of that situation.” “This is the land of opportunity—anyone who works hard enough can get ahead.” “They just need to apply themselves.” “Lazy.” “Addicts.” “Trying to take advantage of good people.” These labels are used on the meek, even if they are not known. And if you think you are immune to this, how many times have you ignored a panhandler whom you have never seen before because, you assume, they would use the money you might give them for their addiction? This is judging by stereotype. Would we assume such things of our neighbor who lives on the same suburban street as us?

If we looked at these meek with God’s eyes, we would see that these meek are not the insignificant and hopeless as we might first have imagined. Just the opposite. We need to remember that God does not choose the powerful, the rich, the ones who already have everything in place. God chooses the needy, the insignificant, those for whom everything is falling apart. This means, biblically, when we look at our world around us, we need to see it with new eyes. Next time you see a panhandler, instead of seeing him or her with pity or disgust, think, “This is one of the ones whom God chooses.” Next time you see an elderly woman, living alone, respond, “I wonder if God will give her a son.” Next time you meet a mentally ill person, consider, “I wonder what God is going to do in this person’s life—it must be magnificent!” Next time you hear about the starving in Africa or Asia, instead of being overwhelmed with a mix of compassion and guilt, pray that God would do a work of power there.

Poverty and illness are not dead-end streets—they are opportunities for God to act.

Boy, You Turn Me Upside Down

My heart exults in the LORD;
My horn is exalted in the LORD,
My mouth speaks boldly against my enemies,
Because I rejoice in Your salvation.
There is no one holy like the LORD,
Indeed, there is no one besides You,
Nor is there any rock like our God.
Boast no more so very proudly,
Do not let arrogance come out of your mouth;
For the LORD is a God of knowledge,
And with Him actions are weighed.
The bows of the mighty are shattered,
But the feeble gird on strength.
Those who were full hire themselves out for bread,
But those who were hungry cease to hunger.
Even the barren gives birth to seven,
But she who has many children languishes.
The LORD kills and makes alive;
He brings down to Sheol and raises up.
The LORD makes poor and rich;
He brings low, He also exalts.
He raises the poor from the dust,
He lifts the needy from the ash heap
To make them sit with nobles,
And inherit a seat of honor;
For the pillars of the earth are the LORD'S,
And He set the world on them.
He keeps the feet of His godly ones,
But the wicked ones are silenced in darkness;
For not by might shall a man prevail.
Those who contend with the LORD will be shattered;
Against them He will thunder in the heavens,
The LORD will judge the ends of the earth;
And He will give strength to His king,
And will exalt the horn of His anointed.
An ancient Hebrew poem

In I Samuel 2, this song is quoted by Hannah, a formerly barren woman who had been oppressed by her co-wife, who had many children. The context of this song is that of increasing God’s reputation in the world because of the great things he had done. While Hannah might have specifically been focusing on verse 5, that shows God’s help to the barren woman, the song speaks in general of God’s strength being given to those without strength.

She sings about the “feeble” who have no power against those who take up arms against them. She sings about the hungry, who are unable to provide themselves even with the staples of life. And, of course, she speaks of barren women, who have no ability in themselves to gain what they most desire in life—a child. These are the hopeless, the ones who gain nothing from anyone.

But she also makes it clear that these are the ones whom God has focused on. God takes these resourceless people and provides them not only with what they need, but more. Not only do the defenseless have protection, the hungry have food and the barren have children, but they are also given authority and power over those who used to have all the world.

It is a natural part of life that those who have look down on those who have not. It is a moral position of the powerful and satisfied that anyone could possibly have gained their position or strength or wealth or authority. All that would need to happen is for them to be self-disciplined and wise enough and anyone would have gained the same power. But, say the powerful, since they were morally superior, they gained the greater position, and thus the greater life. For this reason, the powerful place themselves in the position of moral guardians and standard-bearers. No one else is worthy.

And this unworthiness of those who are not in positions of authority is a natural consequence of those who have. Those who do not have wealth or position or possibilities in their lives, they must be in some way morally inferior. The rulers are righteous, while the pauper is morally poor as well.

“What right do these lowlifes have to ask our kind for money? Perhaps they are in need, but it is their own fault. They just want to take advantage of honest, hardworking people! Why don’t they just get a job? Aren’t the shelters and workhouses still open? If I give—which I probably won’t—I want to make sure my money’s not being used for drugs or alcohol. If they want some food, okay, I can understand that, but I can’t trust that they would actually use it on food! Since they are on the street, drugs must be more important for them than food. In fact, I wonder if they are truly human in the way that we are. After all, real humans are more interested in slaving all day so we can spend an insignificant fraction of our lives in wealth and extravagance. These people who wish to live simply, who do not seek power, who live a hand-to-mouth existence—I just don’t trust them. Some kind of alien, I think.”

Hannah sees the ones who have military might, more than enough to eat and multiple children as being boasters, arrogant in their strength. They are not righteous at all, but the lucky who do not humbly recognize the One who gave them their strength.

And God is strong, in Hannah’s view. God is the source of all strength, authority and power. Human power is nothing, Hannah boldly proclaims. Human strength is not real strength. The reality we see is like the matrix we mentioned before. That which looks to be strong is only the semblance of strength, and the real strength is at the foundation of reality. In Hannah’s song, real power and might comes from God. And the only ones who will obtain that power in the end are those who are weak enough to depend on God for that power.

For this reason, reversals are necessary. The wealthy who oppress the poor will be set aside and destroyed. They will be “made low” or taken out of their positions of authority and power and wealth. The weapons of the soldiers will be destroyed; the full of food will soon be so desperate they will hold signs saying “will work for food”; the woman with many children will be in mourning. These will soon have nothing, looking at their empty hands wondering what happened to their lives. But the lowly—those who depended on God to strengthen them—they will gain the fullness of God’s strength. They will be the strong, the powerful, the important.

And these reversals display God’s strength, God’s power. It does not show that God can grant his power arbitrarily, but that he chooses those who depend on Him. God looks for the nobodies to display what he can really do with what he has.

The Mystery of Weakness

To be ready for revival, we have to recognize our weakness, our lack of depth, our helplessness in the face of the world. Only then will we recognize how much we need God.

Unlike the masses of animals, humanity has no clue as to why we exist. We have no skills to help us be who we are meant to be, ultimately, and all of our great plans have come to naught. We have tried to live our lives on our own terms, only to find ourselves impotent. We have tried to overcome our faults, only to find ourselves enslaved to them. We have gained the knowledge of success, of a good life, only to find that it was all a lie. We have loved, we have built, we have obtained wealth, we have planned, we have been empowered—only to have it all slip from our grasp. We are left with nothing. Our greatest achievements have ultimately been anthills—clumsy in design and as easy to topple. Our lives are but a leaf on a tree—quickly turned brown and withered and falling down, only to be crushed.

God is there, calling out to us, ready to meet our needs. Our relationship to God is not that to the harsh father, always wanting more from us than we can give. God knows our weaknesses, our helplessness. God made us helpless and hopeless on purpose. He created us weak so that we could recognize that we would never be complete without Him. So that, in the end, when we came to the end of ourselves, our plans, our hopes, our lives, we would turn to Him as the only fulfillment left.

But God also made us weak to prove something to all the universe. There are many powers in the universe, and God made them all. Some are less than humanity, and some are greater. But none are more helpless than the human infant. The human infant is more naked than any other creature, so helpless that he cannot even find his own food. The human infant’s only means of defense, expression and response is her cry. Almost any creature can destroy the human infant with a swipe or a bite. If an infant is left alone, it would die within hours.

Yet, amazingly, God pointed at that infant and said, “I choose YOU to rule the earth.” God’s most masterful creation, the ever-bubbling pot of life and creativity, and God put a helpless infant in charge of it.

How the great powers of heaven must have laughed! Had they the nerve to mock God, they surely would have. To place a baby in charge of the most complex system ever made is insanity, even stupidity. Yet this is what God did. God placed a small, helpless collection of gobs of cells to rule it all.

God did it, not to show humanity’s greatness. Their ability to “pull themselves up by their bootstraps” (which, by the way, is a great way to fall on your ass). God chose humanity, with all its failings, with all its weaknesses, with all its helplessness, to show how great anyone can be when He is helping them.
The greatest power, God is teaching, is not power at all, but anti-power. The greatest strength is weakness.

But the other amazing characteristic of humanity is its blindness. Not only is humanity helpless, but it sees itself as strong. Humanity thinks that it can do anything. It thinks it can live on its own terms and succeed no matter what. What idiots we all are! So we continue to reject God, wanting to relate to God only on our own terms. Even the most saintly of us really only depend on God when we recognize that we absolutely can’t do it on our own. We don’t realize that we, no matter how old we become, are still that baby, that helpless infant unable to control our lives.

So God came to earth. He became that helpless infant Himself. And he did it to show us that the best life that any of us could live is a life of dependence. As Jesus was on earth, he had no food, but depended on the Father to provide. He had no power to help, so he depended on the Father to heal. He had no time to rest, so he depended on the Father to give energy. He had no place to sleep, so he depended on the Father to provide shelter.

And his is the best life ever. He is the only one to know—truly know!—why he was here on earth.

He was here to serve the Father. Not on his own terms, but the Father’s terms. He was here not to do his own will, but his Father’s.

To be an infant isn’t so bad. To be helpless is right where God wants us to be. Helpless and crying out to Him. Helpless and seeking His help. Helpless and not knowing where to go or what to do or how to do anything so we can just be leaning on Him.

The best we can be is dependent.

Essential Chrisitan Humility

What is Humility?
Humility has to do with honor. Honor is the respect we desire from others. When we do not receive the respect we feel we deserve, then we are humbled. We are in the one-down position—someone else has honor or respect over us. This is not acceptable to many of us. The virtue of humility means that we accept the position of being disrespected. If we are disrespected, that is okay with us. Of course, none of us can live in a state of disrespect. We all desire to have respect in our lives, and though we can’t always have it, ultimately, we will do all we can do to get it. That is how our minds work.

In Christian humility, however, we realize that we can receive honor even in our humility. Jesus said, “Blessed are the meek” – or humbled—“for they will inherit the earth.” Those practicing Christian humility realize that God listens to and rewards the humble more than other people. Those who are disrespected for God on earth have God’s respect, and He will grant them honor, not only now in the heavens, but eternally. Thus, those who are dishonored now for the Lord can take confidence that God is Himself balancing the disrespect they receive with honor.

Many people have recordings going on in their heads, letting them know if what they are doing is honorable or dishonorable. Perhaps they are thinking of their family’s standards, or their friends’. The follower of Jesus, however, has the Holy Spirit speaking to them of what is honorable or dishonorable. If a Christian gives sacrificially to the needy, and those around the giver might accuse him or her of being irresponsible or weak-hearted. But the Holy Spirit would be encouraging one to sacrifice oneself for others, and telling Christians that God would honor one with greater treasure in replacement for the sacrifice.

The Practice of Humility
Humility isn’t just an ideal, that is hard to get one’s life around. It is very practical, and deals with our daily lives. Below are the principles of humility found in the New Testament, to help us navigate how we will live out humility in our lives:

Don’t insist on your rights
Though I have complete freedom, I have made myself a slave to everyone, so that I might gain more. (I Corinthians 9:19)
In our country, we emphasize freedom and liberty to do what we need to do so that we can be ourselves. We insist upon our rights so we can claim to be truly free. While we really do have the rights that our country gives us, freedom to do and say many things that makes us feel good and be who we really are, often God asks us to set aside these rights. For the sake of others, we may need to set aside our needs and desires. Perhaps we need to set aside our right to defend ourselves against slander or harm, in order to assist another (Mark 14:55-61). Perhaps we need to set aside a right to do as we please so another might not fall into sin (I Corinthians 8:13). Perhaps we need to set aside our right to speak so no one would not be harmed by our words (Ecclesiastes 5:6). We must look at our rights as something that we can have or set aside, depending on the situation.

Don’t seek greatness in the world
“You know that those who are recognized as rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them; and their great men exercise authority over them. But it is not this way among you.” Mark 10:42-43
To be important in this world, you have to show that you are already important. You need degrees, titles and honors so that you can gain greater and greater significance in the world. To be a politician, one must put oneself forward. To be an executive, you have to already show yourself to be significant in business. To gain all but the lowest jobs, you have to show your “experience.” God wishes to give you great positions and honor, but to insist upon one’s own abilities and to gather many titles actually causes one to lose the possibility of advancement in God’s kingdom. Jesus tells us not to seek titles (Matthew 23:8-11) or honors (Luke 14:8-11) and as Christians we are not to boast in our accomplishments or abilities (Philippians 3:4-7).

Boast of your incapacities
If I have to boast, I will boast of what pertains to my weakness. II Corinthians 11:30
Does this mean that we cannot boast at all? Oh, no. We are certainly able to boast, but not in our accomplishments or honors. Rather, we can boast in what we are unable to do. If we boast in our weaknesses and inabilities and those who have rejected us and the pain we endure, then we can see God’s work all the more clear. That does not mean that we should create a persona of “false humility”. We shouldn’t claim stupidity or rejection that we have never actually experienced. But we should speak of how God has fulfilled our weaknesses so we have been able to be who we are through his strength. (II Corinthians 12:9)

Repent of your sins
Repent and return, so that your sins may be wiped away. Acts 3:19
It is not easy to speak of one’s faults. It is humiliating to apologize, especially if you didn’t make all the mistakes. It is difficult to admit wrong, if no one else admits it first. But the Lord desires us to do just that. He wants us to humble ourselves and admit our sin, and then we will be forgiven. Without that humility, we will never be right before God. (Luke 18:9-14)

Honor the lowly
Those of the body which we deem less honorable, these we grant more abundant honor. I Corinthians 12:23
There are many among us that are considered unimportant or unacceptable. They are in this place, not because of sin, but because of some social “fault” or misunderstanding. You know how it goes—if you hang with the “in” crowd, then you can be “in”. But if you hang with the “out” crowd, then you will be rejected too. But Jesus gave us an example to hang with the “out” crowd (Mark 2:15-17). We need to find those socially unacceptable people, and serve them, support them and grant them a place of honor that others would not do (James 2:5-6; Luke 15). Also, we need to treat those who are under us in honor with greater honor than ourselves—our children, our employees, our spouses, they all need to be treated with greater honor than we ourselves expect from others (Philippians 2:3)

Do demeaning tasks
For the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve and to give his life a ransom for many. Mark 10:45
If we want God’s honor, we have to do the work associated with humility. There are things we don’t want to do, that we think we shouldn’t have to do. And that’s what God is asking us to do to gain his honor. He wants us to do the work that is helpful but unpleasant. He wants us to accept the unacceptable tasks for the sake of everyone. (Philippians 2:4-5)

Submit to unjust authorities
“Do not resist an evil authority.” Matthew 5:39
One last thing, God insists that we humble ourselves before those who want to show us how important they are by making us crawl. Yes, they are irritating. Yes, they are sooooo wrong. Yes, they have no right to treat us the way they do. But God asks us to submit to it anyway. Why is this? Because God likes to see us humiliated? No. It is because he wants to see in reality who is really righteous. If we rebel against an unjust authority, then the lines of right and wrong are fuzzy. Perhaps we deserved to be punished. But if we submit when we did nothing wrong, then God knows who is right and who is wrong. And who will be ultimately punished. (Matthew 5:38-41; Romans 12:19-21)


Humble yourself and God will honor you.

How To Love Idiots

“Love one another,” “Treat others as you would be treated,” “Love your neighbor as yourself” “Be merciful as your Father in heaven is merciful” “Love your enemy, do good to those who hate you”— Jesus was clear, that loving those around us is our most important task, apart from being faithful to God. And yet, it is funny how we often take our relationships for granted (unless we are dating someone we really like). We assume that we treat everyone fairly and with love—even though sometimes it is “tough love”—and we expect to be treated fairly in return.

However, dealing with people is the most difficult task imaginable—just ask God, He has a terrible time with it! Jesus told us that our relationships should be a major priority in our lives just because they would be so difficult to maintain! Jesus didn’t tell us to treat everyone with fairness, but with love and humility. And this means, often, that we need to set aside our own ideals and focus on someone else’s needs and goals. We cannot love if we are just thinking about being “fair” in relationships. To love we must sacrifice and reach out.

1. Meet others needs
When Jesus taught about love, he did not mean that love is a feeling, or a response, or a particular kind of relationship. Rather, when Jesus said, “love” he meant an action. To love is to act in the other person’s benefit, whatever that means. And the most basic way of doing what will help another person is to make an attempt to meet their needs. This is why when Scripture talks about Christian duty, it describes feeding the poor, visiting the sick and welcoming the stranger. Because loving means seeing the need and doing your best to meet it.

But we also need to recognize that people need more than bread and clothes. Jesus himself did much more than meet people’s physical needs—although that was a big part of what he did. Fundamentally, people feel that they have the following needs:

• Survival—Having one’s basic needs met, such as hunger, sleep and health
• Security—Feeling safe from what one fears
• Inner Peace—A sense of contentment with life
• Pleasure—Enjoyment and laughter
• Honor—A sense of being significant to others
• Society—Feeling a part of others and communicating with them

There are other needs that we have—a relationship with God, understanding significant truths, a sense of being a “good person”, but we don’t always feel these needs. The six above we feel almost every day at one point or another, and they deeply control our sense of well-being and color our perception of everything around us. When Jesus met needs, he recognized that people not only needed their “survival” needs met, but also the other ones. Especially in his teaching, he wanted people to feel secure, to have peace, to have joy, to gain honor and to be a part of a good society.

Even so, when we are looking to meet people’s needs, we need not only look at survival needs, although those are foundationally important. But we must also remember to give people respect, to ease people’s fears, to help them laugh and enjoy themselves, to just communicate with others. In doing all of this, we are loving. And all of it is acting in love.

2. Be Humble
Perhaps when you picked up this tract, you thought, “Oh good—I’ve got a lot of idiots I’m supposed to love.” However, the most important lesson Jesus taught us in loving others is “the first shall be last and the last first.” If we really want to love others, the first step is to remember that, more often than not, WE are the idiots, not the people around us. Rather than thinking, “I wish so-and-so could read this tract,” you need to take responsibility for your own idiocy in relationships. If we are really going to love, we need to be humble. How can we do that?

• If a mistake was made, give others the benefit of the doubt
• Take blame upon yourself, instead of pushing it on others
• Focus on what other’s need, not yourself
• If changes need to be made in communication, take as much responsibility on yourself as you can
• Pray for other’s blessing—especially those you are in conflict with

If we place ourselves in the giving position, then we will find that we can actually deserve the honor we might expect others to give to us—whether we get it or not. Most importantly, assume that the other person is trying to be as good and as polite as they can. You may feel that they are acting rude or badly or stupidly. But, chances are, they are not. They are just trying to meet their needs, just like you are.

3. Recognize differences in communication
Another way we can be humble is to recognize that, more often than not, the people around us are not idiots, or jerks, or rude, but they have different communication patterns than we do. If we see someone who looks like an immigrant come up to us and speak loudly in a foreign language, waving his hands, we would not think he was rude, but that he just didn’t have the same customs that we do. But if we see someone speak to us in our language, with our accent, speaking loudly and waving her hands, we would think that she is rude, or possibly have some mental problems. But some people grow up in situations in which speaking loudly (or quietly) and using expansive gestures (or using none at all) is normal, and they are just trying to speak to us normally. We do not feel that it is normal at all—we feel that it is rude, or that they have a problem with us. But often it is not that case at all. We have to take account of other’s different way of speaking.

For instance, different people have a different sense of how long one must pause to allow another person to speak. If one person expects people to talk over her, then she might not give anyone else a chance to speak, and so feel that no one is interested in what she is talking about, because no one is responding. On the other hand, another person might feel that she is hogging up all the time to speak because she won’t stop for a few seconds so they can chime in. Neither person is rude, they just don’t understand how the other person communicates.

There are many kinds of communication differences: How much space to give another person when talking, how direct or indirect one’s requests should be, what kind of touching is appropriate between people, how people should apologize, and how a conversation should begin. Instead of assuming others are “idiots”, perhaps we should try their kind of communication with them and see if they respond positively to it.

4. Respond Positively to Interactions
Every time we communicate with others, we may have as many as a hundred interactions with them in ten minutes. With everything people say to us, we are reacting—even if we think we are giving a neutral or a non-response. With every bit of communication, we either respond with them—on their side—against them or just ignoring them. In a positive relationship, up to 9 out of 10 responses will be positive. If even four out of ten of the responses one gives is offensive or ignoring the other, then the relationship is rapidly going downhill, and may never recover unless something is done.

A negative response to someone doesn’t mean that you can’t disagree with them. On the contrary, two people could be having a conflict, but their reactions are positive toward each other. It is HOW they disagree. If they keep the conversation upbeat, break the heavy discussion with humor sometimes, always show respect for the other person and the relationship, then even a conflict can be a positive relationship. However, if a conversation is characterized by biting sarcasm, insults, outbursts of anger, threats, treating the other like a child, or simply ignoring what another person says, then that conversation will tear down the relationship.

In loving others, we need to work on our communication, so we always try to respond positively. This does not mean just ending the conversation on an upbeat note, but trying to communicate in a positive way throughout the conversation. This can be difficult, and we can make many mistakes along the way, but with God’s help we can do it—even to those who have hurt us.

5. Find the True Meaning behind the Words
None of us means what we say. Most of our communication is a parable of what we really mean. We often ask “how are you?”, but we almost never are looking for a doctor’s diagnosis. A husband may say “I love you,” but not at that moment feel a surge of emotion for his wife. Our child may say, “I don’t feel good,” but they might just be emotionally hurt, not having a physical ailment. Even so, quite a bit of our words have meaning that is not stated directly in the words we used.

And it isn’t only words. I could say, “My mother in law is coming to visit,” and depending on the look on my face or my tone of voice, I would communicate to you whether I liked that idea or not. But if you didn’t understand my non verbal communication—you heard disgust in my voice when I was trying to communicate with my face happy anticipation—then we will get our wires crossed and spend time trying to unravel the miscommunication.

Or we might get into a conflict with another person, and we can argue about the silliest things—whether the sky is actually sky blue or not—whatever. But if we get into a conflict, often the conflict is not about what we are directly discussing. Perhaps the argument is about how one communicates. Or it could be about a long-held ideal or dream that hasn’t been communicated yet. And the conflict could go on eternally without resolution, because the true meaning of the conflict hasn’t yet been discussed.

If the person we are communicating with understands our indirect communication, fine, no problem. However, every time we use indirect communication, we are taking the chance that the other person might misunderstand. And then we don’t understand what they misunderstood because we communicated as clearly as we could—or so we thought.

We need to do our best to get behind the simple meaning of the words. And how do we do this? We ask. We tell the other person what they think they meant by a face or an argument, and give them a chance to explain in a different way.

6. Listen Carefully
Jesus told us that we must “Be careful how you listen.” It is never enough to just listen, but we must listen in a way that communicates. Even our listening communicates a reaction to what others say. And how we listen can either meet others needs or tear them down.

If we do not look like we are listening to the other person, then they think we are ignoring them and they are not important to us. One person may expect someone to look at her when she is talking, but her partner may need to look at the floor to concentrate. Even if he can repeat everything she said, she will still not feel listened to, but ignored. When listening, we need to show that we are interested, in the best way we can, in the way the person we are listening to understands.

We might ask questions, but not too many. We might make listening “noises” like “uh huh”, but not too often. We might nod, but not too excitedly. If we do not do these things enough, the other will think that we are ignoring them. But if we do these things too much, then the other person will think that we are not trying to listen, but to take over the conversation. We must find the right balance for each person.

The most important part of listening in love is two things: First, don’t be trying to force your agenda on the other person. Let them say what they need to say. Second, do your best to give them your full attention. Because we live in a society in which everyone feels that everyone is too busy to listen, this is the best gift that anyone can give.

(Thanks to the work of John M Gottman and Deborah Tannan)